Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Processing...


I love soccer, I still play it and have since 7th grade, I think I would have started earlier if I had been introduced to it!  I think I love it so much because when I'm playing, I feel like it's just me having a passion about something that is a part of me and connected to so many who also love it, but they bring their own creativity to the sport.  It's amazing to be a part of something like that.

I know some who love to juggle a lot in the game to get away from defense, others who have amazing control to where it's like a graceful dance between them and the soccer ball.  There are others who have the most beautiful shots with so much power behind the way they position themselves right before the shot.

There is one thing that is amazing to me, whenever I play a pick-up game and the ones I'm playing against have played together for years.  It's as if they completely trust one another and know what the other is thinking...they communicate, they know they all have the same goal to the game.  It's breathtaking to watch.

I have brought all my different parts of where I am in the world together, and now that I've done it... I'm happier.  I get to be me wherever I go this way.  The biggest reason I wanted to do this, is so that I don't subconsciously try to "fit in" which makes me unhappy.  Something about wanting everyone to be happy, is sometimes everyone is at peace but you.

I am becoming more whole and learning who I am as an individual, and everyone knows a lot about me now. Those who still want to talk to me I know are real and there is no doubt that the relationship matters to them as well.  I know I'm still working on some stuff from things in my past though of healing, and some things I'm convinced will always be a part of who I am.  But if I had it all together, I wouldn't be human.

I have wanted for so long to know how to just "love" people like the way we do as children again, but somehow I had become insecure as I got older because it is very hard for me to talk with others sometimes.

I think if I take away the doubt of someone wondering am I going to get mad at them or end a friendship from the beginning because of something they "do" that it will take away the temptation of trying to earn love.  As you can't really earn love because if it was, it could always be lost.  I don't mean a feeling, but an intentional way of living.  I am no way great at this, but I know it's something I know I need to practice daily at doing and learning to do so by pausing, even if in the middle of a conversation.

I have started writing in a journal again for the past few months, I used to do this all the time from when I was about 8 until 14 or 15 years old and somehow it helps you to be at peace with the world and not put any expectations on others, or try to figure out how to be happy by what others "do" or "don't do",  as you'll never be happy and trying to control something or someone you can't when you do this.

Through this process, it's helped me to see I wanted to start a homeschool blog to help encourage other homeschool families and help all families with experiences and making memories.

If you want to check it out, you can find it here.

Here on the blog, will be where I share my very personal growth and reflection, but I want to create a space on my blog where everyone feels welcomed for who they are.  I think Chip and Joanna Gaines from HGTV's Fixer Upper and their recent blog post helped encouraged me, so I'll share that here as well: Chip's new revelation

I think I love their show so much because I know I'm a fixer upper too, I have potential, it's just I'm still a work in progress.

Love,
Chelsea